[My dear friend and noted Peshwarian essayist Sangritt T. Plinth IV offered to pen a guest commentary for Christmas, and because I respect both his writing and thinking, I gladly accepted. His piece follows. I thought it was amusing, but my roots are not religious. It is meant to be light and bemusing, without any intent to offend. So if you find yourself getting distressed, please stop reading.]
Behind the Headlines
Ya gotta think Fox or MSNBC or one of those other clutzy networks was the dominant news outlet back some two thousand years ago when this whole Christmas thing started, considering how much they left out. And it was only after a diligent if remarkably boring researcher screened all of the old tapes that some of the unreported if interesting facts about the story actually came to light.
First of all, there was no room at the inn. Well, no kidding. That was the weekend of The Big Game. The Tigris Tigers and the Euphrates Eunichs were facing off in the all-Mesopotamia Soccer SuperBowl. The of-Nazerths should have counted their lucky star that they were able to get the manger for the night. And by the way, check-out time was noon, so they had to vacate their hay for a Phoenican family named Allot, who coincidentally, included a former Eunich fullback and his pregnant wife, who also delivered a child only hours after they checked in, a stalwart child they named Lance.
Second, all this business about the wise men was just so much hype. In fact, these so-called Magi were day-traders who’d been caught setting up a massive Ponzi scheme in Northern Afghanistan. Not wanting to be stoned to Kabul-stoned to death, as was the prescribed punishment in those days, they changed their names from Milken, Levy, and Pickens to Caspar, Balthazar, and Melchior, stole some camels, and headed east. But they got all turned around, and wound up in Bethlehem, much to their surprise and delight, since it was always easy to find soft touches at these big games.
Truth be told, they got to the manger very shortly before the of-Nazareths were facing check-out time, and only had a chance to say hello. They didn’t really have a clue to whom they were hello-ing, but since it was Christmas, and the family was so poor, they decided that their annual pro bono act would be to give them a coupla gifts which might tide them through the holidays. As it happens, the camels they had stolen belonged to an aroma therapy guru who had been on his way south to Sri Lanka, where he conducted seminars aimed at calming the Tamil separatists.
Anyway, once the Magi were far enough away from Afghanistan, they checked their saddle-bags thinking that they might be filled with jewels and pirated Windows ME CDs, but were disappointed to discover instead, frankincense and myrrh, neither of which they could even spell, but with great show, gave to Mary and Joseph who wound up rubbing on the saddle sores of their burro. (There allegedly was a little gold, but they spent it on a PR firm which spun them into Bethlehem as intelligentsia.)
The researcher also came upon a tape that was a copy of a security camera feed from the overnight shift. The quality of the tape left something to be desired, but the researcher was able to make out that while Mary and Joseph were sleeping, their baby Jesus talked in hushed tones to an angel. The conversation was muddled and so the network had the tape sent to the FBI lab to see if they could make out what was being said, but regrettably, an Agent Woods erased the tape and nothing could be recovered. Asked what he thought was being said, the researcher claimed that through some basic lip reading and what little he could hear, Jesus was telling the angel to be joyous, and not to worry about the path he had chosen.
You know the rest in The Book you have read, although you should also know that there was a lot that was cleaned up for public consumption, not because you or I would be offended, but because The Church would have looked a lot less important in the face of the truths that Jesus told. Apparently they edited out some big chunks that had to do with women being equal, and everyone searching for the truth needed to look for the godhood within.
Whatever happened to the Magi? Well, they tried to head south but wound up in Bialystok, Poland, where they founded the psychic hotline.
And that’s Plinth’s Plinks...I’m Sandy Plinth.