"News Bits" - Commentary by Tony Seton

News Bits

A passel of newbits that probably didn’t make anyone’s front page, but ya sure wouldn’t have wanted to miss ‘em, uh-huh.

First, by a 50-to-44 percent margin, the American public says they want The Bush Boy to be a one-term president. This despite the fact that his rating on the economy jumped six points with the release of some new figures that won’t stay high for long but will likely plummet in plenty of time to book him a nice cheap fare back to Texas.

Second, a mother in the Chicago area reported to her friends a tragic development. Her baby had cancer. Tapping into good hearts from miles around, the woman raised tens of thousands of dollars. Which she spent on herself. Turns out the boy didn’t have cancer. It was just a fundraising schtick. Her parents, among the bamboozled, took out a second on their house to pay off the taken.

Third, a microbrewery in New Hampshire lost a court battle to produce Billy Budd beer. Anheuser-Busch, the giant of swill, sued the minuscule "rival," claiming trademark infringement. Seems the biggies got together a bunch of suds slurpers to say that they were confused; they thought that the Melville reference was just a mislabeling of their common anesthetic.

Fourth, McDonald's is not very happy with the folks who decide which new words to put in the Webster dictionaries. The epistemological experts added the word McJob, defining it as "low paying and dead-end work."

Fifth, one doesn’t expect lavender prose from sportscasters, of course. I mean, a lot of the folks you hear spouting sportif took some significant shots to the head or surfed the steroid wave. Still, it would be nice if they made sense. Unlike the fellow who, coloring one of the baseball games last month, described a pitcher throwing fast balls "exclusively for the most part."

And finally, the license plate on the station wagon read NTR PETS; I won’t say which state to avoid a law suit. The woman behind the wheel was probably sixty or maybe seventy. She was leaning forward with a grim expression on her face. When she looked back at me, I proffered a wan smile, and she barked at me. Okay, she might not have actually barked, but she sure looked like she thought I should be neutered.

And that’s SetonnoteS...I’m Tony Seton.